How to Distinguish Useful Guilt From Useless Guilt
Going to college in rural Vermont I joined the herd of overachieving, sporty girls and went for a run most days.
Some wound breathtakingly through perfect New England farm fields, across picturesque covered bridges strewn with golden autumn leaves, and lots of days were a slog through rain, sleet and snow.
No matter the weather, I'd plan to hit the road.
I expended a huge amount of energy thinking about when I'd fit my run in every day and worrying about what if I couldn't make it happen. There was an elaborate roommate run coordination dance.
This would all have been well and good if it weren't for one gigantic glitch:
If I skipped a single day of running, no matter how legitimate the reason, I'd feel guilty all day long.
The anxiety about fitting "enough" exercise in and the guilt on the days I didn't sucked the joy right out of the process.
Running became a a joyless chore; a have-to.
And if I didn't make it happen, I punished myself with guilt.
Sound familiar?
If so, goodness knows you're not alone. Guilt is so pervasive in this culture, and a particularly ferocious beast for driven women.
I hear it from my intelligent, high-achieving female coaching clients all the time:
I feel guilty....
That I've been spending so much money.
For eating like crap this week.
For not focusing more on my business this week.
For drinking a few glasses of wine a night these days.
For sleeping in instead of exercising this morning.
For asking for that week off from work.
For not spending enough time with my kids.
For not spending enough time on my work.
For not giving as much time to my creative endeavors as I want to.
For not being happier when I've got all these blessings in my life.
For being happy when there are so many people suffering in the world.
For sometimes using new Ziploc bags instead of recycling the used ones.
For not staying in good enough touch with my friends.
For turning down that invitation.
For asking for time to myself to meditate.
For not taking time for myself.
And on and on and on.
Notice the common theme here? I'm not doing enough. Or, more to the true core:
"I'm not enough."
Guilt of this variety is harsh, unforgiving, and smothered in self-judgment. Oh, and also...useless.
Appropriate guilt is a useful call to action.
It's a flare going off to call your attention to an area where you might want to alter your behavior to get back on track toward being the kind of person you want to be and living more in alignment with your values.
Feel badly about getting snippy with your partner this morning? You can own it, apologize, intend to take a breath before speaking the next time you're feeling reactive, and just like that, you're back on track.
If guilt lingers after you've made appropriate amends and altered your behavior to realign with your values, you're dealing with something that wants attention on a deeper level.
Guilt’s intended purpose is not to punish you.
Appropriate guilt is useful. If you address what needs to be addressed head on, it's also quick and efficient.
Unshakeable, ongoing guilt that makes you feel like a terrible person, on the other hand, is a distraction from what's really going on.
But if you're a Guilt Machine, it's not because you're a masochist.
It is an amazingly effective distraction technique, and there are things in our lives that feel scary to look at. So it makes sense you got in the habit of making guilt your go-to (not to mention you've likely been well trained in the habit by models around you your whole life).
Guilt keeps attention at surface level.
“I feel so bad that I didn't go to that party," for example, lets you off the hook from owning a genuine, if potentially controversial, choice: That you just didn't want to go.
Guilt is a convenient scapegoat for bold choices we're scared to own and a cover-up for feelings we don't want to feel.
But that doesn't mean you have to stick with a guilt habit run amok that's sucking the life out of you.
If the only thing you're actually guilty of is the excessive guilt habit, here are a few tips to help:
Identify what you're feeling guilty about.
Be as objective and honest as you can about what's really going on.
Determine if the guilt is telling you there's something you need to change or apologize for.
If the answer to b is yes, make amends. Then move on.
If the answer to b is no, ask yourself:
What truth is this guilty feeling distracting me from acknowledging?
Bring your attention to the feelings underneath guilt's smoke and mirrors and address them honestly but compassionately.
Guilt will naturally dissipate under your self-compassionate awareness of what's genuinely asking for acknowledgement.
No matter what kind of unnecessary guilt you suffer from, the way out is always the same:
Listen to what your intuition and energy are telling you you need, and give it to yourself in some way.
You don't need to apologize for taking care of yourself.
You're allowed to be taken care of on every level.
One night this week I decided to opt out of a yoga class and walk to get a burrito instead. I had the house to myself and ate my burrito, drank a beer, and watched a Sex and the City marathon. And I enjoyed every second of it. No guilt in sight.
That's what happens. When we dial down unnecessary guilt, joy naturally flows in.
Your level of joy is inversely proportional to the amount of unnecessary guilt you're schlepping around.
So letting go of unnecessary guilt is actually a profound act of self-love.
You're a good person with a great heart. If you flub something occasionally because, yes! you're human, own up to it and commit to doing things differently next time.
Then let yourself off the hook and focus on what in yourself really needs some attention.
Tenderly offer yourself what you need or ask for support from others when appropriate. The guilt-trip hamster wheel will slow down the more friendliness you regularly extend to yourself.
You deserve a break. I promise you, you do. No permission — and no guilt — required.
Lots of Love,