Why "What should I do with my life?" is the Wrong Question to Be Asking

I lay awake in bed at 2am in my tiny bedroom in Washington, D.C., anxiety coursing through my body, my mind churning.It was 2003, and I'd been reading Po Bronson's What Should I Do With My Life?  before bed trying to figure out just that.

And it was a depressing project.

I was in my mid-20s, and I'd already had one job (congressional immigration caseworker) that I could hardly drag myself to work for each day despite it sounding interesting on paper. And I was currently temping in another office job my heart wasn't in but where I desperately wanted the stability of a steady paycheck.

I was so struggling with that question: What should I do with my life??

It haunted and taunted me. I was paralyzed by doubt that I even had passion in me, much less that I could make money bringing it to life.

More than anything in the world I wanted someone to swoop in and tell me what I was meant to do with my life.

I didn't have a clue how to figure it out for myself, and that felt indescribably depressing.

This theme of "What do I really want to do with my life?" has been coming up a lot with my coaching clients recently. And they don't mean (as I didn't in my 20s) "What should my next job be?"

They're really asking, "What is my purpose on this planet?"

And that "What's my soul's calling?" kind of question can feel awfully overwhelming.

So despite Bronson's book being inspirational, and despite the fact that its title is a question that, if you're a thoughtful person who really cares about this life (which I know you are), you will ask yourself at various points in your life...

"What should I do with my life?" is generally a counterproductive question.

Because it puts the pressure on. It frames the whole life process as a linear one with something to fix...something to figure out...with a "there" to get to.

And any time we follow a "should" we instantly throw ourselves off track from our intuitive true north and plop ourselves right into the pressure cooker.

The question feels heavy, doesn't it? Like there's a lot of work you have to do to "figure it out."

I propose that the way you'll actually start to step into the sweet spot of work you love that jives with the lifestyle you want and the contributions you want to make in this life isn't by attacking your life's purpose like a problem to be solved, but rather to approach it spaciously and intuitively. With an open palm rather than a clenched fist.

Your life's purpose isn't another thing to put on your mile-long to-do list and worry about how to figure out. It's not the Z in some imaginary A-Z linear process.

It's neither a linear process nor a clean and tidy one. In fact, it's often messy as all get out.

If you want to live a genuinely heartfelt life where you enjoy and contribute and feel satisfied by living your days fully, I've got good news and bad news for you:

It's gonna be messy.

That may seem like bad news because most of us just want to be told what to do and how to do it.

But the good news is, if you plan for the messiness from the outset, you can drop the illusion (delusion) of perfection in the process right now.

You can stop worrying that you have to figure it out all on your own.

You can let yourself ask for help.You can give yourself permission to make a fool of yourself occasionally.

You can stop viewing "failure" or "rejection" as red lights.

You can let yourself off the hook for always having to know the "right" way to do it.

You're allowed to break down in tears on your bathroom floor dark night of the soul style because that's just part of the process of living an authentic life.

In fact, if you want to live a life that really lights you up, you need those dark night of the soul moments.

On this mindful path toward genuine joy, soul-level fulfillment, and meaningful contribution, we're challenged to learn to not just tolerate those breakdown moments, but to embrace them.

To equally welcome every part of the process of being human.

To reject nothing.

When we're willing to keep intending to open our eyes and hearts to the whole messy process of life again and again, we gradually expand our bandwidth to handle more and more of life.

Breaking out of our comfortable cocoons is messy.

But having to work through the mess strengthens those wings — and you'll need strong wings if you're going to live the life you know deep in your being you were put on this planet to bring to its fullest potential in spite of the torrents of "shoulds" and "supposed to"s that will constantly try to move you back into the comfort (aka stagnation) zone.

But if you're struggling to "find your life's purpose," you can relax. Because you're already living your life's purpose right this very moment.

Whatever you're struggling with...wherever you're feeling stuck...whatever you feel called to go after but fear and resistance are fighting brutally to hold you back from...

What if this messy, curious, confusing, exciting, terrifying, eyes open exploration is your life's purpose?

What shifts if you drop the illusion that some perfectly packaged "Here's what you're meant to do with your life" bundle with a bow will arrive at your doorstep and you accept that whatever you're exploring or struggling with right now is your life's purpose?

If it weren't, it wouldn't be showing up in your life.

How that purpose manifests in your days are just the details.

But the details - the sprinkles on top - can get really fun once you start relaxing and allowing more, and worrying and controlling less.

So, what if you stopped worrying about what you "should" do with your life in the future and started focusing your energy with the intention of love and gratitude on what you're doing with your life in this moment?

The bread crumbs will keep laying themselves out to point you in the direction you're meant to head.

All you have to do is keep showing up with as much courage and presence as you're able from moment to moment, paying attention to the bread crumbs you're noticing, and following them with curiosity and committed action, one at a time.

Don't sweat the details. Just pay attention to how you can feel good about how you're addressing this moment, and the details will play out out just as they're meant to.

Lots of Love,  

Melissa

PS - If you enjoyed this post, thank you for passing it along to someone who might get a boost from it.