Dating Rock Bottom, Cold Bathroom Floors & No More Crumbs
In the spring of 2013 I hit a new dating low. I'd been casually dating a guy sparks flew with in a coffee shop line for about a month, but I wanted more from him.
And as hard as I tried to play the I can do casual cool girl, I was clinging like a barnacle to the hope that this fun, flirtatious, free-spirit-y fling could turn into something "real".
And the more I (energetically) pushed, the more he (understandably) pulled away. I'd never thought of myself as a needy girl, but I could smell the desperation wafting off me this time.
I became a walking dating "don't."
I maniacally checked my phone for texts. I jumped at late-night invitations to hang out.
I ignored red flags like his spending five hours surfing every day and it being clear the ocean and his dog were his only real loves.
I didn't call him out when he showed up at my place hours later than we'd planned with hardly an apology.
I knew I was being crazy. I knew in my gut this wasn't meant to be anything real. I knew I didn't even actually want to be with this guy longterm.
I wanted to just go with the flow and enjoy it while it lasted, but I just couldn't.
It felt like I needed something from this person on, like, a soul level. Even though my intuition told me he was here to teach me something I needed to learn but wasn't longterm partner material, I couldn't stop grasping.
My usual re-centering tactics weren't working. I couldn't stop fixating. I was truly feeling insane.
Then on my birthday, which happened to coincide with the clear but as of yet undeclared unravelling of this pseudo-relationship, I literally cried in my beer with two girlfriends. They sweetly tried to see how things might actually move forward with this guy, but I knew it was a lost cause.
And I also, deep in my gut, knew none of this tailspin had anything to do with him.
This was about my lifelong pattern of believing I wasn't worthy of love.
The pattern had been there forever, I was just finally able, thanks to a combination of this messenger, a now strong enough mindfulness muscle, and a hearty dose of grace, to see it clearly for the first time.
This time I truly saw what this sneaky relic of a belief was doing to me. And I arrived at a moment where I was finally able to say (and mean):
I'm fucking done doing this to myself.
And this time when I said the words I knew something was different. It didn't feel dramatic; it just felt true.
I was finally ready to drop the belief that I wasn't worthy of love. That real relationships just weren't for me. That maybe I was meant to be alone. That maybe I should just learn to be ok with "crumbs" when it came to love.
I'd said before that I wanted to ditch those beliefs, but not until this moment was I actually ready to let them go for real.
I was serendipitously signed up for a restorative yoga workshop that week. In it I put out to the universe probably the most heartfelt intention I've ever set:
To be freed, once and for all, from whatever was blocking my heart.
That night, I woke up in a literal cold sweat.
I spent most of the night on my bathroom floor wanting to throw up, toxins trying to release from my body.
I pleaded for help from whatever forces of the universe might be out there to free me from these beliefs that had had me locked up for all these years.
From these voices that had me convinced that "Love just isn't for you" was the truth.
For the next 24 hours I had the worst headache of my life. I knew in my bones it was all that stagnant old untruth leaving my body.
I rode out the detox symptoms, and soon things started to shift.
Dating suddenly became fun.
For the first time ever I was truly able to enjoy the process without expectation or attachment or self-judgment. I had fun just being myself and getting to know new people.
And, as if by magic, the guys seemed to become higher and higher quality.
"The good ones" were showing up more effortlessly and in more alignment with the kind of man I knew I wanted to be with.
I became clearer about my yes's and no's. I stopped pretending things were ok when they weren't. I stopped stringing things along just to be nice.
Until I found myself on a blind first date with a man I could truly see myself with, and with whom I've been in a wonderful, loving relationship ever since.
Just the kind I used to dream of but didn't think was possible for me.
Some limiting beliefs are loosely tied and need just a small, well-placed tug to unravel. Others have accrued layer upon layer over a lifetime (or more).
Those calcified ones take some chiseling away at.
Meditation. Yoga. Conscious breath. Grounding. Gratitude. Getting enough rest. Doing things you love. Surrounding yourself with supportive people. These are all tools to help chip away at those hardened limiting beliefs.
Yes, long-held beliefs have layers. But if you chip away steadily and with heart-centered intention, you'll get to their core, and you'll uncover what's actually always been true:
That you are 100% whole.
That there is nothing you need "out there" that you don't already have "in here."
That you are fully capable of giving and receiving love.
And that you are worthy of love.
Right.
Now.
If you don't believe that (or that you're worthy of everything you want in your life) yet, don't worry. I didn't either.Just pick up your tools and keep chipping away.
Trust the process. Tune into your intuition's whispers. And allow whatever wants to unfold to unfold without worrying about the outcome.
But know that the outcome truly can be more beautiful than you'd ever imagined.
Lots of Love,