The One Word You Should Ditch to Start Enjoying Your Life

When I was in first grade, my parents started packing my brother and me up in the backseat of the family Jeep every few Friday nights with moon boots, a mixed bag of Jelly Bellies to occupy us, and rented skis strapped to the roof to head to Tahoe.

The Mahers were going to learn to ski.

Our morning routine involved a flurry of early bunk-bed-rousting, cereal-shoveling, lunch-packing, long-john-layering, bruised-feet-in-frozen-ski-boot-stuffing, and dragging all our winter paraphernalia out to the corner to wait for the shuttle.

At the mountain, more rigamarole:

Drag said paraphernalia through parking lot slush to ticket booth; wait in line; gloves off, sunscreen on; lockers for lunch stashing; ski school sign-up; strip down for one last bathroom pitstop; wait in gondola line; wait in lift line.

By the time we got to the first actual run of the day, it felt like a full day already. But once we actually got on the slopes, everyone in our group of family and friends loved it.

With crisp pine air, sunny California days, the view of the lake, fresh powder, exhilarating physical activity, what wasn't to love?

But personally, while I occasionally enjoyed skiing, I just didn't love it.

But I felt like I should.

My parents did a wonderful thing by giving us an opportunity they never had, and I understood that I should be grateful to be getting to learn to ski — truly, what a luxury. And by the time high school trips to Tahoe with friends and boys came around, I was grateful.

But the fact remained that skiing just never became my favorite thing.

And every time I heard that I "should get out there for one more run!" I felt like a downer for just not feeling it.

Every time I thought I should be loving every minute of those days when really I'd rather be people watching with cocoa in hand in the lodge, I felt like a whiner.

This is what a Should-Storm does to us.

Whether the pressure comes from inside yourself or from someone else, however well-meaning they may be, feeling like you should do something saps your energy.

And not just your energy, but your life force.

And it's impossible to experience flow in your life when "shoulds" are damming up the channel.

Every time you force yourself to do something — which is what you're doing whenever you do something just because you think you should — you're swimming upstream. Which means you’re draining your energy.

Every time you speak or act in a way that's out of alignment with what truly feels intuitively right to you, you're kicking dirt on your authentic Self.

Every time you say yes when you mean no because you think (shoulds come from the head, not the heart) you should, you're telling your soul you don't really care what it needs.

Every time you let a should trump a genuine desire, you're telling your big “S” Self — your natural core of love and kindness — to get out of the driver's seat so your little “s” self — your control-loving ego — can take the wheel.

Here are a few signs you might be caught in a Should-Storm cycle:

• You constantly feel pulled in a million directions.

• You often have trouble making decisions. 

• Once you do make a decision, you often feel guilty about it.

• You're constantly worried you might let someone down.

• You often hesitate to speak up for fear of how it might come across or that it might hurt someone's feelings.

• You believe you're only allowed to be happy once everyone else is taken care of.

• You often have low motivation to do things on your To-Do list.

• You replay events over and over in your mind, worrying that you didn't do or say the right thing.

• You feel heavy and drained a lot.

If any of this sounds familiar, I'd like to propose a one-week (or lifelong) Shoulds-Free challenge to help free things up.

Every time you notice you're about to use the word "should," upgrade to a word that feels better or truer to you.

Instead of "I should do x, y, z" try:

I want to...

I choose to...

Or, quite possibly most powerful of all:

I choose not to... 

You're allowed to say no without apology.

You're allowed to like what you like and not like what you don't like without explanation.

Notice what sense of freedom, strength, and authenticity emerges from your shoulds-free experiment. If it feels better than should-ing all over yourself, keep going with it!

The truth is, there's nothing you should do in this life.

There are no hard and fast rules in this human adventure. Let your intuition guide you toward the choices that feel most nourishing to your truest Self and most kind to the world, and then just do it or don't.

Whichever path you choose, no shoulds required.

Lots of Love,  

Melissa

PS – If you enjoyed this post, thank you for passing it along to someone who might get a boost from it.