The Connective Capacity of Self-Compassion
Hi friend,
In addition to the themes of Connection and Community, there's a third “C” I've been thinking about a lot lately when reflecting on what we collectively as humans seem to be needing more of: Compassion.
Which of course includes not just compassion for others, but for ourselves as well.
I thought a recent exchange with my three-year-old offered a lovely, simple example of the potency of self-compassion.
Audrey: “Mom, do you ever make mistakes?”
Me: “Oh, gosh, yah, all the time. I've made TONS of mistakes in my life and still make mistakes all the time. But you know, that's OK. I kinda like making mistakes because that's the only way we can learn and grow. And I always want to be learning and growing.”
Audrey: “But I don't like making mistakes. I feel embarrassed when I make a mistake.”
Me: “Oohh, yah, I understand that. I sometimes feel embarrassed when I make a mistake too. That's so normal to feel that way. But you know what, even when we feel embarrassed, we can handle that. And we can just say to ourselves, 'Oh, I made a mistake - hooray, I must be learning!!'”
She smiled and didn't say much more at the time, but a few days later when she made a little mistake drawing a flower I overheard her telling her dad: “But it's OK to make a mistake. You don't have to be embarrassed about it or anything. You just keep on doing it anyway and that's how you learn!”
This is one of the most overlooked benefits of self-compassion:
That while many of us initially fear that treating ourselves more kindly will be a slippery slope into slothdom, the opposite actually tends to prove true.
The more kind we can trust ourselves to be with ourselves even when we make a mistake, the more willing we — gradually, little by little — become to step outside of our usual comfort zone. We become more willing to take calculated risks once we've accumulated enough evidence that we won't beat ourselves up or take things disproportionately personally if we don't get exactly the glowing response we'd hoped to receive from putting ourselves out there.
When we practice being friendly toward ourselves in the simplest moments of our daily life in a consistently repeated way, our self-trust blossoms. It's like we become our own secure attachment base that we trust we can return to for honest but kind assessment of whatever actions we've just taken out in the world.
And when we trust that our default tone toward ourselves will be one of friendliness, we become more receptive to hearing our own honest and helpful feedback to ourselves about things we could improve on our next go-round.
This is like the inner voice that when we “mess up” a flower we wanted to draw a particular way would say, “Oh, that didn't come out quite as we'd hoped. I wonder what we could do to help it come out more the way we want next time?”
And of course the more in the habit we get of treating ourselves with curiosity and kindness, the more capacity we grow to treat others that way too.
And the more intimately we connect with ourselves, the more deeply we're able to authentically connect with and extend compassion toward our communities…and the ripples continue outward.
So we can start small and simple. Maybe just be on the lookout for a few places in your day today where you could soften your inner tone toward yourself even the tiniest bit. Notice how that gentler tone feels in the moment and stay committed to trying again next time. Then see what happens from there.
The effects of self-compassion are cumulative — and they lead to more connection with and compassion toward our communities. So let's just keep practicing.
And if you'd like more encouragement and practical tips on the self-compassion front, this post is for you. Or this one.
With Love,