My Go-To Mantra For Just About Any Situation
With all the healing modalities, elaborate rituals and transformative paths available to pursue in this life, one of my favorite practices to nudge us toward integrative healing is a simple three syllables:
It’s OK.
Most of us received no shortage of messages early on in our lives that certain parts of us that were inconvenient or challenging to our caregivers or society – our anger or exuberance or messiness or joy or self-expression or sensitivity – weren’t acceptable. Weren’t OK.
So we learned to tamp those parts of ourselves down. To dial those qualities within us back so much that they became dim enough that we no longer even consciously associated ourselves with them.
I often hear my female coaching clients say things like, “I used to truly believe that I just never experienced anger” or “This feels crazy to say, but I just can’t seem to connect to what I genuinely need or want. I don’t even know where to start to answer the question ‘What do you want?’”
We – usually unconsciously – exiled those young parts of ourselves as a protective mechanism to help ensure we could stay in reasonable connection with the caregivers we relied on to keep us safe in the world.
And this is where the stop-you-in-your-tracks quality of shame enters the picture.
Shame’s function is to try to help us stay in social connection; to remain part of “the tribe”. So when any trait or behavior that might risk our social acceptability pops to the surface, shame arises to try to squelch it.
And shame sends such strong unpleasant internal signals through our body that we’ll send the “inappropriate” or “unacceptable” parts of us underground in order to ensure we stay as belong-able and lovable as possible.
Which is why “It’s OK” is a shame antidote.
Because shame has been telling you, “This part of me is not OK to have, much less to show”. And shame calcifies over time into a sense that there’s something fundamentally and permanently flawed and not OK about ourselves.
So the mantra “It’s OK” is simple yet holds profound healing potential.
It helps us reintegrate those exiled parts of ourselves that we’ve feared will never be safe to show in the light of day. And when applied a lot (a lot :)), this simple mantra can, over time, help to soften up the old stuck spots in our mind and body that have held beliefs that they were so unacceptable that they needed to be permanently buried.
“Its OK that I’m sensitive.”
“It’s OK that I feel mad sometimes.”
“It’s OK that I need lots of time and space to myself.”
“It’s OK to say no to what doesn't feel right to me.”
“It’s OK that I don’t know everything."
“It’s OK to hold clear boundaries even when the other person gets upset about that.”
“It’s OK that I’m not perfect.”
It’s OK, it’s OK, it’s OK.
So the next time you notice that familiar pit in your stomach that makes you want to collapse in on yourself and go invisible, try on "It's OK” and see what you notice in your inner experience.
Three little syllables that can initiate a profoundly healing ripple.
Lots of Love,
Melissa
PS - If you’re curious about exploring these themes in a sweetly personalized way, be in touch about 1:1 coaching possibilities.