Lessons In Bravery From a 4-Year-Old Learning To Ride a Pedal Bike
This past week my just-turned-4-year-old daughter, inspired by watching her friend of the same age do it, spontaneously learned to ride a pedal bike. And as she rode in circles around the schoolyard I could hear her chanting words of encouragement to herself in rhythm with her pedal strokes:
“I'm brave, I can do this, I'm brave, I can do this!”
“I've GOT this!!”
“This is gonna be worth it!”
“I'm gonna be a PRO soon!"
And after her first ever fall, bumping into a pole that sent her spread eagle across the pavement, tears and cradling and soothing went on for a few minutes together and then she started comforting herself by asking her dad and me and the friends we were with if we'd ever fallen off a bike.
We assured her, "Oh, absolutely! I remember learning to ride my bike at a schoolyard just like you are, and I remember my first fall. It was pretty scary. But I was OK. Everyone who learns to ride a bike definitely falls sometimes."
She added, “Yah, and we have to make mistakes so we can learn” and we started joking around about how that silly pole came out of nowhere and got in the way of her bike. And within a few minutes of the fall, now smiling, she announced:
“I'm ready to ride again. I'm a little bit scared, but I'm brave.”
And that's the thing: We can be scared and brave at the same time.
Fear and resistance don't have to be taken as red lights. They can be interpreted or explored, rather, as signs that something within us is calling for some attention, inquiry, or care. We can view fear and resistance as flashing yellow lights calling our attention inward to explore our inner landscape and see where the fear or resistance is coming from so we can validate, soothe, calm, reassure, and resource those unsure parts of us.
Then once we're feeling internally soothed and safe, we can scan our surroundings to assess whether we're actually safe in as objective as possible external reality. We can proceed with wisely aligned, circumstance-appropriate action from there.
I find this to be one of the most potent mantras we can adopt for the moments when it's true that we're not actually in imminent danger in external reality despite strong fear arising internally:
“I'm scared but I'm safe.”
Fear and bravery aren't mutually exclusive. In fact, bravery is born from within fear, so we can't access bravery without acknowledging fear.
Denying that we're scared cuts off access to our own bravery.
So just like I say some version of to our 4-year-old when she shares that she's scared about something, we can address ourselves internally in similar ways when fear arises:
“I know this is scary. It's OK and normal to feel scared. I feel scared sometimes too. But I also know how brave and strong and resourceful you are and that you can handle scary things. I'm here to support you. What's one next step we could take together?”
What do you notice reverberating within your body as you say the words “I'm scared but I'm safe” or “I'm scared but I'm brave” to yourself?
We humans can hold vast and deep paradox within our experience. There's no need to trap ourselves into a limited “either/or” box. Life becomes so much richer when we open ourselves up to the complexities of “both/and”.
So here's to you owning your fear and your bravery.
With Love,