Self-Compassion Lessons From a 2-year-old

Going through a sleep regression phase, it's been taking my almost-2-year-old daughter longer than usual to fall asleep in her crib. So she's been up late enough to hear our 3-year-old downstairs neighbor sometimes cry as he falls asleep.

Initially this was causing her a lot of distress. Already frustrated by not being able to fall asleep, she would cry and let us know between sobs, "Audrey sad, Sammy crying!!" or "Audrey scared, Sammy crying!!"

So we started going through a little ritual with her as anticipatory worry crept in during bedtime stories, her eyes filling with tears and her little body tensing up.

I would pause and ask, "Oh, honey, are you feeling sad thinking that Sammy might cry again tonight?"

And with her lip quivering, trying to hold back tears, she responded, "Yahhh."

I said, "Oh, sweetheart, I understand. It can feel sad or scary to hear someone crying and to worry if they're OK."

We would let her know that his crying is just his way of "letting it go!" or "getting the wiggles out" from his day so his body can relax to let him fall asleep and that we all have tears to help us let things go from our bodies sometimes. At this she often laughed with recognition, saying, "Audrey let it go too!"

We reassured her that Sammy's OK even though he's crying. We let her know that he's safe, and that he has his mom and dad there with him to give him a hug or kiss if he needs it. 

We reassured her it's OK to feel sad and scared, that we all feel that way sometimes, and told her that she's safe; that her mom and dad are here with her, and that we love her so much.

We left plenty of time for books, snuggles, rocking, and extra hugs, kisses, and "I love you's" as we laid her into her crib.

And as a few nights of this ritual went by, she started voicing those same soothing words to herself in her own sweet, gentle, little voice whenever nervousness about "night-night" would creep in.

Before I'd have the chance to respond to her rising concern, she would start lightly rocking her body from side to side and reassuring herself with her own soothing tone and words:

"You safe...Mama here...Audrey OK..."

Her little body would palpably relax, her nervous system settling as she soaked in her own reassurances.

This didn't mean she never felt sad or scared about the crying again. But when she did start to get worked up she could calm herself down faster, even without outside intervention.

And now she soothes herself by saying out loud "Audrey safe" when she feels shy meeting someone new on the street or in other moments of uncertainty.

This is the same thing we're doing with self-compassion practice as adults.

We're (re)installing that gentle, nurturing, maternal-type, soothing voice within ourselves that helps us feel safe and calm so we can access a sense of resilience from within whenever we need it — particularly when we're struggling, feeling scared, inept, or alone.

And while it would have been wonderful for us all to have been drenched in unconditionally loving, emotionally validating messages as new humans, there's great news even if we weren't:

We can learn to extend ourselves the kind of friendliness, respect, unconditional care, and validation that we've been craving from external sources through the practice of self-compassion. 

Right now.

It's never too late to rewire our brains and nervous systems toward a new default set point of a greater sense of friendliness, safety, regulation, and relaxation (which self-compassion-triggered oxytocin helps us feel).

It’s never too late to cultivate a new internal "home base" of refuge and safety within ourselves that we can go to whenever we need it.

And, brilliantly, self-compassion practice is as simple as it is profound. 

When you feel a painful emotion or contractive inner experience — fear, shame, guilt, self-judgment, your Inner Critic beating you up, doubt in your ability to do something:

1) Pause:

Literally. Stop what you're doing and take a moment to turn inward. Slow down and drop in. Feel into your inner landscape, see what's present, and name it. Close your eyes and notice where you feel these sensations in the body.

2) Acknowledge the tough feeling you're feeling and acknowledge that it's normal and universally human:

Remind yourself that having challenging moments like this is a part of the human experience, and not a result of some shameful or unique defect of yours personally. This might sound like, "Everybody feels this way sometimes" or, "Anyone in my situation might feel this way."

3) Offer yourself a few soothing/supportive words (with a term of endearment tacked on if that feels good to you):

"It's OK (sweetheart)."

"I'm here with you (honey)."

"We can figure this out (love)." 

"You're safe right now." 

“I’ve got your back.”

"It won't be this way forever." 

"You can handle this."

*Soothing verbalization is the first universal physiological oxytocin — the "tend and befriend" hormone — trigger in the brain. Oxytocin stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system, which moves us out of fight/flight/freeze mode, back into clear-thinking, clear-seeing mode.

(Please note: Giving yourself the message "You're safe" or "It's OK" is by no means an attempt to bypass actual physical or emotional lack of safety if you're experiencing that. It's rather a practice of getting in the habit of noticing that, for most of us, in the vast amount of moments in our lives we actually are safe in reality. We get flooded with stress hormones in response to myriad circumstances the mind perceives as threatening, but we can always check in in the moment and notice that, generally, we're actually OK — safe — in this moment. Right where and as we are. And the more we install this inner sense of safety, the more adept we become at addressing actual safety threats when they do come through our external experience.)

4) Pair those supportive words with some soothing physical gesture:

Place a hand over your heart or belly, give a little squeeze around your shoulders, lightly massage your arm or hand, gently stroke your cheek, gently rock your body back and forth...whatever feels comforting to you. (Soothing touch is the second universal physiological oxytocin trigger.)

Soak in your own warmth and care. Ask what that most tender, scared, vulnerable part of yourself needs and turn toward that part of yourself with some simple, instinctive gesture of caring.

When life feels particularly uncertain or we find ourselves in especially stressful circumstances, nourishing ourselves with warmth and care and helping to regulate our nervous systems is extra potent. 

So now is the perfect time to start practicing, or to double down on your existing practice of, self-compassion.

Just see what you notice starting to shift in your inner experience as you sprinkle these mini self-compassion pauses throughout your days whenever you find yourself feeling something hard to feel.

This 4-minute guided self-compassion meditation can help get you started.

Wishing you an increasing sense of internal wellbeing regardless of your external circumstances.

With Love, 

Melissa

PS - Many of these self-compassion practices and the scientific research around their benefits are shared with huge gratitude to Kristin Neff, PhD. Her website and book “Self-Compassion” are wonderful resources if you'd like to dive deeper.