Why You Don’t Need to Keep Hiding Your Most Embarrassing Stories
When I was 23 I strolled one morning from my San Francisco apartment toward where I'd parked my car the night before after waiting tables to find some Honda that wasn't mine in its place.
I scoured neighboring blocks with mounting dread, but no luck. Since I lived in a less than pristine neighborhood, and since I knew for sure this was where I'd parked, I reported it stolen to the police.
A few nights later two cops came to my door to let me know they'd found my car...exactly one block north of where I "knew" I'd left it.
They were very nice about it, saying 90% of all stolen vehicles are found in the same district they're stolen from (despite the fact that my car clearly hadn't been touched).
I was so embarrassed I hardly told anyone the real story for years.
Then a few years ago in response to a What's the most embarrassing thing you're willing to admit about yourself? question in an online dating profile, I told this story (which had recently struck me as hilarious in a way it sooo didn't at the time).
And it went over like gangbusters.
Guy after guy kicked off email banter with their own similar story, or by commenting how funny or refreshing they thought the "stolen" car story was.
It lightened things up and sparked connections.
This is how vulnerability is.
We go through life fearing that if we reveal what feels most embarrassing — or, on a more personal level, shameful — about ourselves, that it'll be the end of us.
That it's too risky. That if we show our good, bad, and ugly we'll be rejected, judged, abandoned, ostracized...unloved.
So we use every trick in the book to hide the parts of ourselves we think shouldn't be shown, hoping that will get us the love we want.
But the opposite is actually true.
The more we own "the full catastrophe" of ourselves, the more connected we get to feel and the more loving and lovable we become.
The more we repress and withhold, the harder it is for us to connect fully with anyone else.
The more you let it all hang out there, the more fear melts away and connections bloom.
Once you reveal your deepest, darkest secrets and see you don't actually die from doing so, you're free.
No more hiding and no more shame required to try to protect those vulnerable parts.
And once the shame is cleared, you get to step back into the worthiness that was your birthright all along.
Vulnerability can feel scary; but it's actually totally undramatic. It's raw and tender, but not dramatic. It's fear that amps up the drama.
Once we drop the fear story about what might happen if we're "found out" for who we really are and just be, life becomes less scary and (waaaay) more fun.
And in that relaxed space of being-ness, you'll become like a magnet for what you want. That love (and anything else) you used to find so elusive will start flowing toward you more and more effortlessly.
And you don't even need to work on "being more vulnerable".
It's not another thing to add to your to-do list. Being human is a pretty damn vulnerable experience as it is, and here you are, doing it perfectly vulnerably already.
Just remember it's ok to relax a bit. You can't do life wrong.
Lots of Love,