I Said I'm Not Mad!! (Why You Don’t Actually Have to Bypass Your Feelings)
"I'm not mad at my mom, it's just super frustrating that she never comes out and says what she wants."
"It's totally fine that he didn't ask me out again. A great opportunity to meet more new people!"
"No judgment, I just think she's kind of a mean person."
When we start out on a mindful path, we often think we're never allowed to have a nasty thought again.
So we try to bypass our way around "negative" — unpleasant, challenging — emotions.
So maybe since you've set an intention to be more open to abundance, you find yourself cutting your friend off judgmentally any time she complains that she can't afford the trip she wants to take.
Or maybe after reading a little Pema Chödrön, you decide you're going to be open to the full experience of life, but really you now just work harder to keep "negative feelings" at arm's distance.
Or maybe now that you've decided to put joy more at the center of your life, you find yourself stifling tears when they well up at something that genuinely hurt your feelings, thinking, "Happy people shouldn't be emotional over silly stuff like this."
When I started out on this path I remember how mad I would get when coworkers weren't positive enough for my liking. (Stop ruining my inner peace, damn it!)
But I didn't think yogis were supposed to get mad, so I'd stuff down the anger and try to pretend to be cool, which of course would only make me feel more agitated.
So here's a spoiler alert: People who practice mindfulness still get mad.
Self-aware people with the kindest of intentions still put on their judgy pants sometimes.
People who practice meditation every day still sometimes lose it too.
It's just that the more we practice, the better we get at navigating those feelings consciously rather than trying to bury them and then finding them leaking out in reactive ways into our days.
So acknowledging what we're feeling and allowing those feelings to be present as they're present is all well and good in theory. But where the rubber meets the road, bigtime resistance tends to come up with unpleasant feelings at first.
This resistance might stem from some fear that if you acknowledge how mad you are you might permanently become a raging maniac.
Or maybe you worry that if you open the floodgate of tears you'll never be able to stop crying.
Or maybe you worry that conscious people aren't supposed to (fill in the blank with whatever emotion you believe to be the most unacceptable) so you stuff those feelings down for the sake of being liked or "nice."
But here's a key point to remember:
Acknowledging and accepting our emotions is very different than indulging or dwelling in them.
The more fully and honestly you let yourself feel whatever you're feeling right now, the less you'll have to play clean-up down the road.
There are no emotions you're not allowed to feel.
Every emotion is normal. Every emotion is human.
And the more fully we accept the truth of whatever we're feeling right now, the more consciously we'll be able to work with those emotions, and the more fully we'll be able to enjoy the next moment.
We have to see it to free it.
We have to feel it to heal it.
So here's to your courage to say Yes to the whole kit and kaboodle of this human experience and to enjoying the ride — even the "down" parts.
Lots of Love,