You're Not In Your Own Way (But Here's What Is)
One phrase I often hear new coaching clients say as they detail a struggle they just haven't seemed to be able to “crack” yet in their life is:
“I know I'm the only thing in my own way."
I'm guessing you, with your smart, self-aware, emotionally savvy, personal-growth-committed self, may be quite familiar with this refrain yourself.
And, on one level, this belief does make sense.
It means you're aware enough to understand that no external person or circumstance can force you to feel or behave a certain way.
It means you're willing to take responsibility for your life and own that you can free yourself through the choices you make.
So this would all be well and good…
If only these words weren't infused with self-judgment.
Which they almost always are.
As in:
"I know I'm the only thing in my own way (God, why do I always that?!)."
"I know I'm the only thing in my own way (as usual...again)."
"I know I'm the only thing in my own way (so why can't I seem to figure out how to get out of my own way??)."
“I know I'm the only thing in my own way (why does everybody else seem to have this figured out already?).”
And the salt in the wound is that when we rinse and repeat regularly with these self-blaming, “should-y” thoughts, we actually end up feeling less motivated to take useful action to get ourselves moving.
If our primary method of taking responsibility for our lives is blaming ourselves for being where we are and criticizing ourselves for struggling with what we're struggling with, we're on a slippery slope into shame.
And once shame takes over in our bodies, we're frozen. Stuck. Definitely not making effective moves forward.
Because shame's evolutionary purpose is to convince us to hide or "play dead" so our shame-y thing can stay hidden away to protect us from potentially being kicked out of our tribe — the tribe, and sense of belonging, that we need in order to survive.
So what if you're not actually in your own way (what exactly would that even mean in reality, by the way?)?
What if what's actually most in your way of moving forward the way you'd like to is the shame-inducing weight of self-judgment?
But don’t worry, there’s a potent shame and self-judgment ameliorator!
It’s self-compassion.
Which — though will likely take some practice if it's new to you — is brilliantly simple:
1. Acknowledge that you're struggling ("Oof, this is hard.").
2. Acknowledge that struggling in this way is a normal human thing ("Everyone goes through tough moments like this.").
3. Extend yourself some warmth to help soften and create some breathing room around that pain through:
a) A few supportive words ("It's gonna be OK. I can figure this out.")
and
b) Some calming physical touch from yourself toward yourself: A hand over your heart, a stroke of your cheek, a little squeeze around your own shoulders…
4. Pause to soak those feelings of warmth and support into your body for a few breaths.
What shifts within you with the possibility that maybe you aren't in your own way, only your conditioned self-judgments are?
If you'd like a bit more support in getting started softening those self-judgments, this post or this 4-minute guided meditation are great places to start.
Or if you’d like some intimately personalized support along your journey, you can explore 1:1 coaching possibilities together here.
With Love,