Worried? 3 Simple Steps to Help (& Why Worry is Friendlier Than You Think)
There was one particular day years ago that I remember being all about worry.
It was the topic of my first coaching session, the next chapter in the book I was reading, and at the center of a conversation I had with a friend.
And as I got curious about, "Hm, why is this topic coming up for me so much right now I wonder?" I realized it made perfect sense.
I was scheduled to have my first ever professional photo shoot the following week, and while I was excited about it, I was also feeling super nervous.
Worried, actually.
I even had an anxiety dream where I showed up to the shoot in the wrong place with all the wrong clothes and felt no connection with the photographer and felt embarrassed and like the whole thing was a waste of time and money.
But what I realized was that all this worry was brewing because I care so much about helping as many women as possible trust themselves and enjoy their lives in a more present and peaceful way as a coach — and these photos felt like a small piece that could help me connect more deeply with those women.
The more worried we are about something, the more it shows how important that thing is to us on some level.
Gay Hendricks adds an insightful twist to the worry theory in his book The Big Leap (which I definitely recommend if you're interested in breaking through your own limiting beliefs).
He proposes the "Upper Limit Problem": Our limited tolerance for feeling good and welcoming abundance into our lives.
This is the notion that we have an inner comfort zone thermostat that allows us to only be able to make space for a certain and limited quantity of joy, love, abundance, money, creativity, success, etc. based on our conditioning and beliefs.
And when the dial gets turned up beyond our comfort level — like when we're on the brink of a breakthrough — we tend to do something to subconsciously sabotage the good and bring the thermostat back down to our comfort level.
You get that awesome promotion at work, then go home and start a fight with your partner.
You enter just the relationship you've been asking for, but when things get serious you blow up a small flaw so disproportionately that you convince yourself they’re not the person for you.
You lose some weight and it feels kind of good, but weird, so you start mindlessly snacking at night on the couch again.
Worry is a subconscious way of keeping ourselves comfortable - aka (emotionally) safe.
By keeping you focused on what might go wrong, worry keeps you close to home.
Worry tells you it's safer here in the known (even if you consciously say you hate it here) than out there in the unknown (even if you know in your gut that's where what you really want lies).
But if you stay aware, you can start to use worry to your advantage.
You can begin to view worry as a signal that you're about to step into some sweet, new, expansive territory.
The worry spin cycle, if left unattended, draws your attention away from expansive potential.
But when you flip that coin over, you might find that worry is actually a sign that you're on the right path.
Now, of course there are instances when worry is a cue that there's something that really does need to be attended to. Did I lock my car door? Do I know this interviewer's name? Do I have spinach in my teeth?
But in those cases, you can just take the appropriate action. You still don't need the worry.
And the vast majority of the time, there's no real threat of what you're worrying about actually happening and/or nothing you can do about what you're worrying about. So the good news is, in those cases, you can just let it go.
Seriously.
If you ask yourself if there's anything you can do in this moment about what you're worrying about and the answer is no, you can just Let. It. Go. Right here; right now.
Most of us have become such habitual and unconscious worriers, though, that our minds trick us into believing we need to worry; that it keeps us in check. So you may fear things will fall apart if you stop worrying.
And in that case you'll need to build trust that you can stay on the ball without worrying and catastrophizing.
But what if you got lovingly but fiercely real with yourself about the immense amount of time and energy you waste on pointless worry and started putting that energy toward something that's actually nourishing or productive?
If you're tired of worrying in a way that exhausts you and gets you no positive results, play with dropping it like a hot potato this week.
Every time you notice worry arising:
Call it out as worry.
Ask if there's anything you need to do here.
If the answer is no, let it go on the spot and consciously focus on something else.
And, taking things a step further, check in with yourself when non-action-oriented worry comes up by asking:
"What positive thing is on the verge of emerging here?"
When you get an intuitive / visceral hit of what that thing is, soak in the goodness of it.
Before you know it, your inner thermostat will settle into a new higher default setting that allows all kinds of lovely new abundance to flow into your life.
Here's to less worry and more trust for you moving forward.
Lots of Love,