The Paradoxical Power of Softening Resistance
A dear friend of mine just learned that her baby has been diagnosed with not one but two rare conditions that will likely require many precarious surgeries, tons of research, doctor visits, and faith that things will all work out OK.
And oof. This is really where the rubber meets the road with spiritual practice.
We encounter plenty of experiences in life where things feel tough, but manageable. Where an old-story-driven pattern gets triggered and we find ourselves working hard to stay present with and accept what's happening, but we can work with it, or where we hit a challenging bump in the road, but are able to remind ourselves that things are always changing and trust that it will all work out one way or another.
But what about the moments that remind us that life is fragile in these bodies, and that no matter how much we love another being we have no real control over what happens to them in this life?
Resistance is certainly a natural response in these instances. Everything in us screams "Nooooo!!!!! I don't want this. I won't accept this. This isn't fair, this isn't right, this can't be true."
And the "no-ing" absolutely makes sense. Of course we really don't want this thing that's happening to be happening. It's as if our "No" is trying to turn the reality of what's happening away from our doorstep.
Saying No to things we don't want to experience is a logical (if unconscious) attempt to assert control.
Since there's only so much we can do to control the external situation, our mind steps in and tries to exert some control internally.
Resistance is also a sort of strategy to help us stay vigilant. It puts us in a high-alert state in an attempt to help us be ready to turn on a dime to respond to the situation at hand.
And while the "No" is an utterly understandable and absolutely human reaction to undesirable circumstances, resistance is actually counterproductive.
Resisting what's happening actually makes us less able to respond appropriately.
It also keeps us in nonacceptance of what life is up to. And when we say no to any one circumstance, we're really saying no to life at large.
And saying No to life brings us instant suffering, no matter how we slice it.
The more we try to reject what's happening, the more painful the situation becomes.
The more we resist, the more we suffer, and, without making a conscious choice to do things differently, the more we suffer, the more we'll resist.
Eckhart Tolle puts it this way:
"The intensity of the pain depends on the degree of resistance to the present moment."
If this resistance-suffering cycle actually altered the circumstance we wanted to change, then this would all be worth it. But it doesn't.
It just adds insult (contraction, worry, doubt, fear, stress, anxiety, exhaustion) to injury (the pain of what's actually happening).
Now not only do we have to manage what's really going on, but we're depleting our bodies and minds of the very energy that would help us most effectively manage the actual situation.
We're invariably going to encounter circumstances we feel that visceral "NO!" rise up against in our lives. We're going to encounter the intensely pleasant and the intensely unpleasant again and again.
And our first instinct is often going to be to resist the unpleasant.
And goodness knows witnessing someone we love be in a vulnerable position (fill in whatever situation you're currently resisting here) is a tough scenario to accept.
But if you choose to acknowledge — which is a short step away from accepting — that what's happening really is happening, you free up the energy that was a moment ago bound up in futilely trying to resist what's going on and put it toward more healing and productive thoughts and actions that really do support those you want to support.
Non-resistance isn't about saying we want what's happening to be happening.
It's about making a courageous choice to do the best we can with the circumstances we've been given.
By accepting what is, we're declaring that we choose to keep our hearts open to life and trust, as best we can, that life knows what it's doing.
By dropping resistance, we give ourselves the opportunity to work with life rather than against it.
We can find some slivers of freedom for ourselves — even in the toughest of circumstances — by accepting what is, no matter how unpleasant that reality may feel.
And by doing so we become better able to offer our love and presence to those we care about.
Wishing you the wisdom to own that you are strong enough to handle every circumstance that life throws your way…without resisting it.
Lots of Love,