You Can Have It (Even If You Don't Believe It Yet)

"Contrary to what you may have been taught, there is nothing frivolous or superficial about what you want. It isn't a luxury that can wait until you've taken care of all the 'serious' business of life.

It's a necessity. What you want is what you need. Your dearest wish comes straight from your core, loaded with vital information about who you are and who you can become. You've got to cherish it. You've got to respect it. Above all, you've got to have it. And you can."   - Barbara Sher

One recent morning when I got out of bed when my body felt awake, went through my hour-long morning ritual of meditation and gratitude, enjoyed a tasty breakfast with NPR on in the background, and sipped coffee as I started to focus on the "doing" portion of my day of inspiring coaching clients ahead, it struck me:

I'd created the lifestyle I'd always wanted.

But if you'd asked me not so many years ago if I thought this kind of lifestyle, with "work" and "life" blended into this sweet flow of purpose and freedom and connection and joy and meaningful contribution was possible for me, I would have shot you a death stare.

I flashed back to a memory of sitting at my kitchen table in Washington, D.C. in 2006 gloomily skimming through a book called Wishcraft by Barbara Sher.

I remember it feeling literally painful to go through those pages.

Because when she asked if I was a person who "wakes up every morning excited about the day ahead and delighted to be doing what you're doing, even if you're sometimes a little nervous or scared," I was so far away from that reality it was comical.

Actually, it wasn't funny at all. It was downright depressing.

At the time, I dreaded doing the same sticky Metro commute to the same un-stimulating, windowless, gray cubicle office job day after day.

It took so much energy to drag myself out of bed and fake my way through the day; to force myself to check tasks off a to-do list I didn't care about; to make small talk by the coffee machine about things that didn't light me up and come home feeling drained, unsatisfied, and resentful.

And, adding insult to injury, I punished myself regularly with a self-judge-y, “I have a good life. I’m so fortunate. Why can't I just be happy???”

I felt clueless about what I wanted to do with my life and like I should know by now.

I felt stuck.

I felt flatlined.

I felt like it was always going to be this way.

And I felt like there was something horribly wrong with me that I wasn't able to just figure it out and stop whining, especially when I had so many things I should be grateful for in my life.

So the notion that I could wake up feeling delighted and excited about going to work felt like a cruel taunt. It almost felt worse to be reminded that there were other ways of being when I felt like those options just weren't available to me.

But then a friend and I decided to break out of the winter doldrums and go to a week-long surf camp in Costa Rica.

Making that decision was a big deal in and of itself for me at the time. It felt indulgent to spend money on myself like that "just because."

But the inspiration started flowing from the moment I stepped foot on Costa Rican soil.

We stayed at a sweet inn just yards from the beach. The couple who owned it had shored up their resources to leave 9-5 gigs in California to follow their dreams south.

Our surf camp guides told similar stories of leaving jobs that didn't light their fires to follow their passions.

There was such a joyful, playful vibe amongst the surfers, yogis and travelers in this community. They all just seemed so free.

And that was how I felt while I was there.

Finally able to (re)access the free-spirited side of myself I felt like I'd gotten so out of touch with...doing handstands on the beach, laughing 'til my stomach hurt while getting banged around on a surfboard for the first time, making soul-level connections, night swimming...

But it was all terribly bittersweet — to see that that much freedom and joy was possible, but to still believe it was only (sustainably) possible for other people.

Big tender tears rolled as I boarded the plane back to a daily life I felt no passion about.

But the thing is, even while I had no conscious faith at that time that I could create that kind of freedom-infused lifestyle for myself, the seeds of possibility had been planted.

And from that moment on, models of joyful, hand-crafted lifestyles started seeming to show up all over the place on my path. And little by little my mind started to open to the possibility that maybe...just maybe....I could have that kind of life someday too.

Things didn't miraculously change overnight.

Lots of seeds, thanks to lots of synchronistic support from the universe, were planted over the next few years.

Each time I let myself lean into rather than away from fear, I was rewarded with another seed that sprouted up into another new blossom of possibility.

And as I started to get more in the habit of trusting my gut, owning my desires, and taking steps forward in spite of fear, my beliefs about what was possible started to change.

Until, over time, it's become almost impossible to not do the things that used to feel too uncomfortable to try.

At first the steps we take toward what we truly want in our lives tend to be hesitant.

It takes conscious choice (again and again) and courage to be vulnerable and uncertain and make mistakes to start to allow ourselves to picture...then verbalize...and finally actually take committed action toward what we really want, despite the fear.

But when you let the mental chatter recede to the background and you settle into an honest awareness of what your heart and gut and soul are telling you, you'll notice that you've had a sense, on the deepest level, of where your life wanted to head all along.

At first the details will likely seem fuzzy. No problem.

Pieces of your ideal day vision that at first might seem frivolous hold powerful information about what your soul is longing for.

My vision in those early stages always included being able to wake up with enough time to do yoga or meditate in the mornings; writing and teaching in some form; and being paid to do what felt joyful and natural to me.

I had no clue what I wanted to actually do, on paper.

Life coaching wasn't even something in my realm of awareness at that time. But the core elements of what I really wanted in my life have, dot by dot, led me logically to the place where I am now.

It can feel mighty scary to tap into our deepest desires at first. To stop focusing on what we think we should want and start declaring what we actually want.

But those fears are just the ego trying to hang onto its number one control slot. Trying to keep you believing that you're separate; that you're broken; that you're not ____ enough to have or do what you really want.

Don't get lost in that noise.

Your beliefs are malleable. If you pay attention closely to the stories your ego's spinning about who you are, you'll start to see just how much untruth there is in them.

The truth is, you get to choose what desires and priorities you pursue in every moment. And those "small" moment-to-moment choices collectively guide the overall rhythm and flow of your life.

Awareness alone will be enough to shift some of your no-longer-true-for-you beliefs once you really start paying attention.

And for those possibilities you've still got doubts about, take committed steps toward them, one small step at a time, and the beliefs will follow.

So, what could shift if you were to take on the belief that "what you want is what you need" — to believe that your wants are vital, not frivolous?

What are you withholding from the world by dismissing your desires or downplaying your gifts?

And what's one small step you're willing to take right now to start proving to yourself that something you'd once thought was impossible for you is now possible?

You can have it. Truly.

Lots of Love,  

Melissa

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