A Love Note to Perfectionists (& Some Relief)

It dawned on me recently that there's an elephant in the room I haven't addressed much directly in our mindful musings here together.

It's a theme that comes up with almost every female coaching client I work with in some form, and one that was a major pain point that turned me toward all this inner exploration and mindfulness work myself.

The elephant in the room is perfectionism.

I'm guessing if you're reading this I probably don't need to tell you about it because you know it oh-so-intimately already. But here are some things I hear regularly from my smart, self-aware, success-driven "Perfectionistas":

Some Perfectionist Mantras:

"I'm not ready."

"I could/should have done more."

"I don't know enough."

"Why can't I figure this out?"

"I should be able to handle this."

"I don't feel like I've ever achieved any real accomplishments."

"I'm not put-together enough."

"I don't have enough training."

"So many people are doing that already."

"If I want it done right, I have to do it myself."

"I'm not good at that."

"There just aren't enough hours in the day."

"I haven't _____ yet."

"I couldn't say no because..."

"I feel so guilty that..."

"I'll be able to relax once..."

"I'm so mad at myself that I..."

"I'll be happy when..."

These thoughts seem like such clear downers you'd think we'd drop them like hot potatoes.

But well-worn perfectionists generally hit major resistance at the notion of loosening the control death grip (and perfectionism is, at its core, so much about control), accompanied by foot-stomping thoughts like:

"But if I stop being hard on myself, I'll never get anything done."

And this self-worth sinker:

"But I don't feel like I deserve a break."

Most of us have been so conditioned to believe that we need to prove and earn our worth that we've been pushing and forcing and striving our way toward a romanticized Island of Personal Perfection without ever stopping to question:

Is all this "Must do more!!" perfectionistic vigilance actually working to help you be more successful (not to mention happy)?

At the risk of bursting the bubble of a belief you may have oriented virtually your entire existence around, that life-long assumption that being "perfect" would make you more productive (aka "better") ...?

Is absolute bunk.

More and more research is showing that self-criticism is actually linked with lower motivation, less self-control, and more energy-sapping depression.

(Students who are harder on themselves after procrastinating, for example, are actually likely to procrastinate more for their next exam.)

While self-compassion and forgiveness are correlated with more motivation, self-control, and overall happiness and well-being.

And if this all sounds familiar, it's because the voice of perfectionism is the voice of the Inner Critic — your old familiar inner Debbie Downer that tries to keep you safe by keeping you small.

All of this gets complicated by the fact that most of us have learned to be so good at striving never-endingly for perfection that we actually wear the self-depletion as a badge of honor.

Perfectionism is like telling everyone how busy we are. It becomes a joyless "Who's more successful?" competition. But when you really get down to it:

Perfectionism is self-doubt masquerading as confidence.

In the perfectionistic mindset, we grasp for control. We constantly seek external validation. In the back of our minds we believe that, if we just do a little bit more, we'll be OK.

Aka, we'll be enough.

And that's what perfectionistic striving is truly all about. Trying to do, prove, have, be enough so we'll finally feel worthy of receiving goodness. Success. Abundance. Love.

So how will you know when you've reached enough?

Where's the finish line? Who decides when you get that final gold star of enough-ness?

And what would actually change in your life if you did finally get that big "Hurrah, you're perfect!" stamp of approval?

This is the Perfectionism Paradox.

We pin our sense of worth on how much we can prove to others we're capable of doing; which means when we inevitably can't get all of those things done "perfectly" and sustainably — because we're human (yes, sorry, even you, my lovely Perfectionista) — we're set up for let-down after let-down.

We cling to the notion that perfection is possible with the magical thinking hope that we can:

*Always look like we have it all together.

*Be constantly hyper-productive.

*Do it all (by ourselves).

*Be as capable or successful as we think the people around us are.

*Be superhuman.

*Always be in control.

*Never need to rest and rejuvenate.

*Never fail.

*Never be rejected.

*Never be embarrassed.

*Never get hurt.

*Never be found out for the fraud we secretly fear we are.

(Notice the all-or-nothing language. Perfectionistic thinking is black and white; no allowing for the full spectrum of human experience.)

But in reality, perfectionism:

*Makes us feel guilty.

*Makes us feel chaotic and anxious.

*Disconnects us from the present moment (you can't enjoy the present moment when you're regretting all you "didn't get done" or "still have to get done").

*Makes us less productive (because the constant doing and guilt and anxiety are so draining).

*Keeps us small.

*Limits our potential.

*Never lets us take risks for things we truly care about.

*Puts a glass ceiling on our capacity for success and contribution.

*Makes us feel isolated and alone.

*Disconnects us from joy.

*Disconnects us from flow.

*Disconnects us from creativity.

*Disconnects us from our intuition.

*Disconnects us from authentic connection.

*Disconnects us from unconditional love.

*Makes us feel constantly less than.

Which leads us to the ultimate Perfectionistic Paradox:

The more we strive for perfection, the less worthy we feel.

The antidote to the thankless, life-force-depleting, never-ending perfectionism cycle is simple. It's the deep-in-your-bones trust that:

You are enough.

What if it truly is that simple?

What if the only thing actually standing between you and a whole new level of (extremely productive, by the way) flow, ease, and joy in your life is that lurking self-doubt about your own essential enough-ness?

Nurture your faith that you are fundamentally, at your core, enough as you are and life's abundance will start to pour through you with a certain serendipitous effortlessness.

Of course, while this idea is simple, it's not always easy, with the conditioning most of us have been rinsing and repeating with for virtually our entire lives telling us the contrary.

So below are some ways to play with starting to get just as much or more accomplished in your life with a ton more joy and ease, and without all the guilt and feeling crappy about yourself.

Perfectionism Pacifiers

Just start.

Your perfectionistic Inner Critic is never satisfied. She'll always try to convince you you're not doing enough. If you listen every day to the "not yet" admonition, you'll never do anything that feels truly important (aka authentic) to you.

Just START. You'll build the trust that you can handle what flows from there.

Bite-size it.

An addendum to #1: Yes, start, but start small. Aka start reasonable.

Your inner perfectionist will try to make you believe it has to be all or nothing — Go big or go home! Not true. Slow and steady will build the type of success you desire just as well as fast and furious — and likely even build it on a more solid foundation.

Don't ask everyone you know for their opinion.

The seedlings of your deepest desires are delicate at first. Let them take root, get really firmly planted, before you start sharing more broadly. And be mindfully selective about:

a) Who you share your most tender inner realm with.

b) What your intention in sharing is.

Tune in rather than out.

Our inner perfectionist is all about relative worth. That means constantly holding yourself up as "better" or "worse" than people around you — a slippery slope to unproductively beating yourself up when you feel less than.

Tune in to your own intention and intuition. Your inner North Star knows how to get you where you most want to go.

Focus on enjoying the process, rather than worrying about the outcome. 

The self-critical perfectionist will try to convince you things always have to be a particular, exact way. Call its bluff. Maybe things could turn out even better than your narrow-minded inner perfectionist is able to imagine.

Play.

Play is a great perfectionism-buster because it's intrinsically uncontrollable, imprecise, and organic. All of which makes it a great practice for dialing back the notion that things need to (or can) be "perfect," and to build your confidence that a) you can handle imperfection and b) it can even be fun to let things get a little messy.

Stop focusing on what it looks like, start focusing on what it feels like.

Perfectionism is an addiction to looking like we have it all together to the outside world — usually at a huge cost to our inner world.

When you notice your inner perfectionist jump into the driver's seat, take a breath; press pause; and tune in to what you notice in your body. Your inner sensations will offer potent clues as to whether you're heading in a direction that feels right-on for you.

Ask yourself: "What's the worst that could happen?"

Remember, your inner perfectionist is really just a part of you that, like your Inner Critic, is trying to keep you safe. She's never going to be on board with anything that might make you look foolish or "fail."

But the wiser, more developed parts of your brain and Self can override that primitive, emotional part of you to discern when a risk is worth the potential gains on the other side, or when it would truly be wisest to tweak things before proceeding. Playing out the worst case scenarios is, ironically, a powerful way to calm the perfectionistic and anxious mind.

Focus on what's truly most important.

Your inner perfectionist will tell you everything is of vital importance. (It has to be done right and it has to be done right now!) Remember, the perfectionistic mindset is all-or-nothing.

The reality is, everything in your day is not of equal importance. Play with focusing on your top two "must-do's" each day and letting anything else you accomplish be icing.

Celebrate "small victories."

Full disclosure: The ego / inner perfectionist hates this and will resist big time. The perfectionistic mind wants everything to come together immediately and neatly and tidily and, well, perfectly. But the way things actually work is they grow bit by bit. With steady, consistent, un-dramatic, brick-by-brick foundation laying.

The more you soak in the "small victories" the more motivated and confident you'll feel to keep taking steps in the "big" direction you want to head.

The small action you'll actually take is better than the big action you won't. 

Rinse and repeat with one of these mantras — or your own personal favorite perfectionism-soother — all day long: 

This is enough.

I have enough.

I'm doing enough.

It's safe for me to relax (slow down; soften; let go; take a break) now.

I'm human — and that’s OK.

Just this one thing.

It's OK.

And once you've worked up toward it and it starts to feel true-ish to you: 

I am enough.

And here are some resources to encourage your perfectly imperfect authentic Self to come out and play:

Self-compassion by Kristin Neff

Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach

Playing Big by Tara Mohr

I Thought It Was Just Me by Brené Brown

Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships by John Welwood

The Trance of Scarcity by Victoria Castle

Emotional Alchemy by Tara Bennett-Goleman

Lovingkindness by Sharon Salzberg

Undefended Love by Jett Psaris & Marlena Lyons

A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson

The Places That Scare You by Pema Chödrön

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown

A Path With Heart by Jack Kornfield

This 4-minute guided self-compassion audio meditation I made for you

These guided Self-Compassion Meditations & Exercises from Kristin Neff 

This article and TED talk on why shame & self-judgment are counter to growth and self-improvement.

If you have a sneaking suspicion that your perfectionism habit is actually leading you away from, rather than toward, the levels of love, success, fulfillment, joy, and connection you really want in your life, lean in.

You're already inherently enough.

It’s possible to do the work to step into believing that, and to start enjoying how life's flow opens up to you with rewards beyond your wildest dreams for embracing the perfection of imperfection.

Lots of Love,

Melissa

PS - If you’d like some support in diving deeper to explore this terrain together, be in touch to discuss 1:1 coaching possibilities.